If you’re hesitant about running, here are several steps you can take to begin the worst activity of your life.
Weigh yourself every hour. +If you’re not crying after every weigh in, stand on the scale until the tears flow like a mighty river.
Befriend hot, skinny people. +Make sure they take you to clubs where they’ll be able to get in and you’ll have to stand next to the bouncers and also be mistaken for one.
Buy a lot of running equipment and then throw away the receipt so you have to put everything to good use. +Although, I’ve learned that sports bras make wonderful do-rags.
Make a chart and put gold stars on the days where you run. +This makes up for all the demerits your obesity earned you in school.
Pay an extremely attractive man or woman to be your significant other. +Make sure they tell you that they’d love you if you were skinny. Not only will this mess with you physically but also emotionally. That’s how most relationships operate anyway.
Sell your car and run everywhere. +This might mean you have to purchase a lot of dry shampoo and deodorant. Whatever it takes, fatty, whatever it takes.